Tool: Staying calm and collected
As you have seen in previous chapters, giving and receiving feedback can cause your limbic system to send threat signals, increasing your levels of adrenaline and cortisol. But remember, you have control over how you respond.
Most people appreciate managers, team members and others in their life who can stay calm in a difficult situation.
Use the ABC model
The ABC model is always useful to get you through emotions and back to your PFC. This video will guide you through ABC for when you are feeling uncomfortable as you anticipate a difficult conversation.
Stay present and connected
Stay present and connected
Stay present and connected
It is important that you have the space to hear the other person in a feedback conversation, whether you are giving or receiving the feedback. Make sure that the conversation is taking place at a time when you can be present and you have the capacity to listen fully; rearrange the conversation if you need to.
When you are in the conversati
It is important that you have the space to hear the other person in a feedback conversation, whether you are giving or receiving the feedback. Make sure that the conversation is taking place at a time when you can be present and you have the capacity to listen fully; rearrange the conversation if you need to.
When you are in the conversation, strive to stay present. One of the worst things you can do in a conversation is to disconnect from the other person when either of you is upset. Emotional storms pass, just stay connected.
When others are emotional: stay with them, stay present and stay connected. Even if there is silence; it is OK to just stay. Listen to them and let them know that you are there for them. When there is a moment of calm for them, reach out to ask how they are doing. You can be on their side even if you are delivering difficult information to them.
When you feel emotional: let the other person know you need a moment to gather your thoughts. But stay there. Remember to breathe. On the other hand, you might suggest regrouping in 5 or 10 minutes and go out for a breather. Just do not run out of the room and abandon the other person.
Allow and label emotions
Stay present and connected
Stay present and connected
We react, we have emotions. It is normal and it is OK. For you and for other people. Let's normalise emotions and include them. Emotions aren't just for the therapist's office, soap operas and HR. They happen every day.
When you feel emotional:
If you have just received unexpected feedback and been attacked in some way, take a moment to fee
We react, we have emotions. It is normal and it is OK. For you and for other people. Let's normalise emotions and include them. Emotions aren't just for the therapist's office, soap operas and HR. They happen every day.
When you feel emotional:
If you have just received unexpected feedback and been attacked in some way, take a moment to feel your reaction and name it, perhaps even out loud: "I'm surprised", "I feel hurt by this", "this feels unfair", etc. This will help you re-engage your PFC and respond as calmly as possible.
When the other person feels emotional:
If the other person is showing strong emotions (or trying to hide them), let them know that emotions are normal. You can even ask them to name what they feel (don't assume). If they name them, it can help their limbic system stop firing.
Do not vent
Go beyond perspectives
Go beyond perspectives
Venting your emotions is a great thing to do to burn off adrenaline and cortisol.
Your emotions: But when you are upset it is not a good idea for you to vent your emotions at the other person; not if you want to have a successful productive conversation. Unless, of course, they understand that you are just getting adrenaline out of your sy
Venting your emotions is a great thing to do to burn off adrenaline and cortisol.
Your emotions: But when you are upset it is not a good idea for you to vent your emotions at the other person; not if you want to have a successful productive conversation. Unless, of course, they understand that you are just getting adrenaline out of your system and are not yelling at them.
Others' emotions: You can invite the other person to do this (but do not take on anything they say during this time - just let them spit it out). Just help them get the adrenaline out of their system. Perhaps go for a walk together. Or suggest they yell it out (but not directly at you).
Go beyond perspectives
Go beyond perspectives
Go beyond perspectives
Receiving feedback will not always feel good, especially if the feedback is wrapped in another person's perspective.
If you feel strong emotion when receiving feedback from another's perspective:
Challenge yourself to stay with it. You can recognise that the feelings will pass. You can put your attention on the other person and start listen
Receiving feedback will not always feel good, especially if the feedback is wrapped in another person's perspective.
If you feel strong emotion when receiving feedback from another's perspective:
Challenge yourself to stay with it. You can recognise that the feelings will pass. You can put your attention on the other person and start listening to what they are saying. You can move towards creating a productive, positive outcome.
If you are able to do that, try asking yourself: 'What is the 2% truth I can find in this feedback?' Usually, even if the feedback is delivered poorly or is based on assumption, you will be able to find the 2% truth that you can take on board.
When you are delivering feedback:
Make sure you stick to the facts rather than your own perspective. The COIN model on the next page will help you with this. If the other person experiences strong emotions in response to the feedback, stay connected with them.