Tool: SHARE model

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Soft start up means to start the conversation gently: let the other person know that you want to talk about a difficult topic, then consider and set an appropriate time for it. Then start the conversation itself in a way that makes them feel safe.

The purpose of this step is to simply give them an opportunity to be mentally and emotionally prepared.

"I'd like to discuss our working relationship. I've put some time in our diaries for tomorrow morning to have a conversation over coffee."
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"As I explained yesterday, I'd like to discuss our working relationship. We have a new project together that kicks off next week, and my hope is that we can start rebuilding our relationship to make that project more enjoyable"

Name what you notice is happening or has happened in the past. Use objective language as much as possible and and stick to observable facts.

"I know I got a bit heated in the quarterly planning meeting a few weeks ago and I felt that you were tense too. I've noticed that, since then, we do not acknowledge each other unless others are involved in the conversation."

This is the key stage of this model. It is about understanding and accepting that we all process information differently, that we will have different viewpoints and we will choose different actions based on our assumptions and interpretations - or what we have made up about a situation. It requires you to admit that your brain - like all brains - is fallible.

Work through the Ladder of inference to understand how you got to your current position. What information did you preferentially select? What meaning did you make of that? What assumptions did you draw and how did all of that lead you to where you are now?

When others share their assumptions, it is important that you listen fully with curiosity and a desire to understand their ladder.

"I've given it some thought, and now realise that I assumed that your comments in the meeting were a dig at my leadership skills. When you said that we should try a new way of working, I made it mean that you thought my method was inferior. What did you assume from your side?"

After sharing assumptions, it is time to agree how to resolve the conflict and move forwards. What will each of you do?

This is a time to use many of your conversation skills. This is meant to be a 2-way collaborative conversation where both parties express what they need in order to move forward. It is a time to ask great open-ended questions and to listen deeply to each other, so you can find common ground and a resolve this issue together, collaboratively.

"Now we understand how we each reached our points of view, how can we move forwards?"

 With an agreement in place, it is now over to you to execute on that plan. How will you each follow through and do what you said you would do?