Neuroscience: Prepare for the worst
Despite all of your best preparations, it is still possible that limbic systems will react (theirs or yours) and you will need to endure a storm of emotions. If you prepare yourself for the worst case you can think of, then you will trust yourself to stay present and calm - for your benefit and theirs.
This section will help you stay focused on a positive outcome for any conversation that gets stormy.
How it works
When faced with someone else's strong emotions, the one thing you need to do is stay. It might be the last thing you want to do, but it is usually the best option.
Watch the video to find out what that looks like.
Put yourself in their shoes
Imagine one of those conversations that you think will be very difficult for the other person.
Put yourself in their shoes: what do you think is going on for them? Consider these possibilities:
- They want you to like them.
- They feel misunderstood or blamed.
- They want to be seen as competent.
- They feel judged.
- They're scared that they will be fired.
- They don't feel listened to.
All of these reactions are signs that their limbic system is sending them a threat response. If you recognise that, you will be in a good position to support them rather than being frustrated by them.
Compassion goes a long way
If you are about to engage with someone and you know the topic will be difficult for them, it is time for a bit of compassion, care and focus on the other person. Choose to support them, even if the worst case scenario is playing out.
Here are a few actions you can take to make it easier for them.
Create safety
Create safety
Create safety
Let them know that they may not like what you will tell them, but reassure them up front about whatever you can honestly reassure them about. Consider their personal needs - do they want belonging or certainty? See what you can provide for them without contradicting your message.
"You're probably not going to like this outcome, but don't
Let them know that they may not like what you will tell them, but reassure them up front about whatever you can honestly reassure them about. Consider their personal needs - do they want belonging or certainty? See what you can provide for them without contradicting your message.
"You're probably not going to like this outcome, but don't worry, you're not being let go."
This is a short metacommunication at the beginning to help their limbic system stay calm.
Set context
Create safety
Create safety
Yes, they will want to know the ultimate decision, but laying out the big picture first can be helpful.
"The organisation is going through massive change and this is a hard time for everyone. We are restructuring and some jobs are being eliminated. We intend to keep you on. But your position is being eliminated. So we are inviting you to a
Yes, they will want to know the ultimate decision, but laying out the big picture first can be helpful.
"The organisation is going through massive change and this is a hard time for everyone. We are restructuring and some jobs are being eliminated. We intend to keep you on. But your position is being eliminated. So we are inviting you to a different position. Unfortunately it's at a lower grade level and there's a slight pay cut. I'm so sorry."
Ask how they're doing
Establish clear next steps
Establish clear next steps
You are not the message. You are delivering a message and while it may not be great for them, you can still be on their side. Once you have shared the difficult message, feedback or information, stay with them and also check in - with heart and sincerity:
"How are you doing with that?"
But only do this if you have sincere empathy for this person; this is not something you can fake.
Establish clear next steps
Establish clear next steps
Establish clear next steps
At the end of the conversation, make sure you both are clear what happens next. Are there new actions to take, is there some accountability and when will you check in again on progress on this topic?
Also, make sure that both of you feel emotionally stable and at a clear place for now. If there are still some unresolved questions or emotio
At the end of the conversation, make sure you both are clear what happens next. Are there new actions to take, is there some accountability and when will you check in again on progress on this topic?
Also, make sure that both of you feel emotionally stable and at a clear place for now. If there are still some unresolved questions or emotions, find a time to check in again. In other words, create some amount of certainty for what's next.
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