Neuroscience: Timing
Timing matters. Our own discomfort can make us nervous or impatient and to get the conversation over with, we jump in and blurt out some feedback or bad news without giving the other person any warning. This will likely create a threat reaction in them and prevent them from hearing anything you have to say, making the rest of the conversation pointless.
Instead, plan to have the conversation at an appropriate time where you will have the time and emotional space to listen as well as talk. You will notice the difference.
Your emotions are too hot or built up
Your emotions are too hot or built up
Your emotions are too hot or built up
If you are having a reaction that you can't manage, it is not the right time. At least if you want to have a constructive/productive conversation that improves the situation. This might happen if the conflict is fresh, or if you have waited too long, built up frustration and now you feel like you are going to explode.
Cool down, work with
If you are having a reaction that you can't manage, it is not the right time. At least if you want to have a constructive/productive conversation that improves the situation. This might happen if the conflict is fresh, or if you have waited too long, built up frustration and now you feel like you are going to explode.
Cool down, work with yourself to get your PFC back in charge, make a plan and then have the conversation. Or possibly get help to proceed with the conversation.
You just want to punish them
Your emotions are too hot or built up
Your emotions are too hot or built up
If you just want the other person to feel guilt, remorse or shame, it is not the right time. This is not going to contribute to building a trusting relationship nor will it help you build a safe, positive and productive working environment.
Burn off your emotions elsewhere, then come back to the conversation with the individual involved. O
If you just want the other person to feel guilt, remorse or shame, it is not the right time. This is not going to contribute to building a trusting relationship nor will it help you build a safe, positive and productive working environment.
Burn off your emotions elsewhere, then come back to the conversation with the individual involved. Of course you can let them know that you have strong feelings and emotions about this issue, but instead of punishing them, give them feedback and help them shift their behaviour.
They have no space to listen
Your emotions are too hot or built up
They have no space to listen
Listening is crucial in a difficult conversation. If you or they do not have the time or emotional space to listen, you will not feel heard and you will not be able to take feedback on board.
So, if the other person is in a highly emotional state - perhaps right before a big presentation or right after they have just made a bit mistake - i
Listening is crucial in a difficult conversation. If you or they do not have the time or emotional space to listen, you will not feel heard and you will not be able to take feedback on board.
So, if the other person is in a highly emotional state - perhaps right before a big presentation or right after they have just made a bit mistake - it is not the right time to pile on with your own observations or feedback.
They are likely to be criticising themselves and your feedback will not be the most helpful thing at that moment – support would be more productive. There will be time later for feedback and corrections. If you have already supported them, they will be more open to listen later.
There are no next steps
There is too much stress in their life
They have no space to listen
If nothing constructive can come out of the conversation - either for how you interact together or for their own learning - you might consider skipping the conversation completely.
You are not the right person
There is too much stress in their life
There is too much stress in their life
If one person asks you to give feedback to someone else, this might set up a drama triangle. Instead, consider how you can support the two people to have a direct conversation together.
Of course, this is standard procedure in some organisations. If you are required to deliver feedback that is not yours to give, do your best to stick to em
If one person asks you to give feedback to someone else, this might set up a drama triangle. Instead, consider how you can support the two people to have a direct conversation together.
Of course, this is standard procedure in some organisations. If you are required to deliver feedback that is not yours to give, do your best to stick to empowering conversations and don't fall into the role of the hero. Similarly, do not share your judgements or take sides with the feedback giver or the receiver.
There is too much stress in their life
There is too much stress in their life
There is too much stress in their life
Consider the stressors in their life. If they have big family traumas going on, health issues, severe pain or other life issues, it is not the best time to hit them with a piece of bad news or to challenge them on their behaviour. It is not likely to sink in and they may not have the capacity to do anything about it.
Of course you may not
Consider the stressors in their life. If they have big family traumas going on, health issues, severe pain or other life issues, it is not the best time to hit them with a piece of bad news or to challenge them on their behaviour. It is not likely to sink in and they may not have the capacity to do anything about it.
Of course you may not have a choice - but at least be sensitive about what else is happening for them. And sometimes those life issues may be the reason they have poor behaviour at work. In that case, you might see how you can support them rather than challenge them.