• Home
  • 1 DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
  • 2 DEFUSE THE DRAMA
  • 3 ADDRESSING CONFLICTS
  • 4. GIVING & RECEIVING FB
  • 5. APPRECIATION
  • RESOURCES
  • More
    • Home
    • 1 DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
    • 2 DEFUSE THE DRAMA
    • 3 ADDRESSING CONFLICTS
    • 4. GIVING & RECEIVING FB
    • 5. APPRECIATION
    • RESOURCES
  • Home
  • 1 DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
  • 2 DEFUSE THE DRAMA
  • 3 ADDRESSING CONFLICTS
  • 4. GIVING & RECEIVING FB
  • 5. APPRECIATION
  • RESOURCES

Tool: Defuse subtle threats

 

Often, when you look closely at a subtle threat you are experiencing, you will find that it is based partly on truth and partly on unfounded concerns that your brain has made up.

Both the truth and the made up parts need to be addressed if you are to move forward calmly and confidently with the conversation.


  • Dealing with assumptions will address the made up elements.
  • Metacommunication will help you with the realistic threats.


Let's start by considering how this is currently showing up for you.

Put it into practice

Bring to mind a difficult conversation that you know you should probably have, but you are putting off. Perhaps you feel indifferent about it or have a nagging concern at the back of your mind that's stopping you from starting the conversation. Tune into the resistance you are feeling. Ask yourself:


What is the grain of truth in my concern?

For example, it might be true that the news you will deliver may hurt them deeply.


What is my limbic system assuming, despite not having any evidence?
For example, you might be assuming that they will never forgive you and your relationship will be broken forever.


Take notes.

Recognising assumptions

 We know the brain manufactures ideas, fills in blanks and exaggerates. If you find that you have made some assumptions, please understand that this is normal and it does not make you a bad person. Your brain is only trying to be efficient, but it takes a few too many shortcuts sometimes and you are left with made up concerns. Recall what you have previously learned about assumptions and interpretations by revisiting the video below. 

Dealing with assumptions


 

It might be a relief to know that your stress and anxiety about a conversation is based on something made up. This means you have full control to change it and to free yourself from the stress or avoidance related to those assumptions.

Try these three steps to take responsibility for your assumptions.

If the steps seem hard, remember that it is just your brain desperately wanting to be right and to keep you safe.

Check

Acknowledge

Accept

 o be certain that you are operating on made up assumptions, check them out by asking others about what they know to be true.

Accept

Acknowledge

Accept

Accept that your assumptions were completely manufactured by your brain and let them go. It might be helpful to replace them with other thinking that is more fact-based.

Acknowledge

Acknowledge

Acknowledge

 Consider letting others know that in the absence of information, you had filled in some gaps in a way that seemed obvious, but you now realise you were wrong. 

Put it into practice

Now you have uncovered some false concerns that have been making your conversation seem more difficult than necessary. These concerns will likely show up again later in other situations. Write them down and watch out for them in other areas of your work and life - they are probably not helpful there either.


What have you discovered is untrue about your concerns/fears?


What is true and how will you remember that?


What will you choose to share with others about your unfounded fears?


Take notes.

Dealing with real concerns with metacommunication

Sometimes our limbic system warns us about something that is very real: It might be absolutely right that someone will reject you if you bring up a sensitive subject; your worst expectations might come true and the other person might react in some unfair way, exactly as you fear. Sometimes these will happen. In these instances, your limbic system is truly helping you. It will be useful for you to learn when you can trust it as a powerful ally.


So if you honestly think that your concerns might happen, you can prepare yourself for that. You can also acknowledge them with the other person and engage their support. This will help defuse the fear and prepare you for the conversation. You can do this with your metacommunication skills.


  • Start-up: Before the primary conversation, set a tone for how you want the conversation to go.
  • Working Agreements: Afterwards, set agreements for how you will move forward.


Read below for example start-up and working agreements for each of the Be SAFE and Certain elements that may be threatened.

Belonging

Belonging

Belonging

It is entirely possible that someone may break relationship with you if you speak up; the other person may not want to talk to you about the situation.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I want to have a conversation about what happened last week in that not-so-great pitch we did together. Before we start, I just want you to know that m

It is entirely possible that someone may break relationship with you if you speak up; the other person may not want to talk to you about the situation.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I want to have a conversation about what happened last week in that not-so-great pitch we did together. Before we start, I just want you to know that maintaining our working relationship is a very high priority for me."

Working Agreements: 

"Moving forward, how do we make sure we don't put our relationship at risk and create this discord again in the future?"

Status

Belonging

Belonging

Of course it is possible that someone will think less of you because you choose to address a situation, or the topic may threaten your position or authority. You might choose to move forward with the conversation out of need and principle anyway. And there are some things you can do to secure your status.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-u

Of course it is possible that someone will think less of you because you choose to address a situation, or the topic may threaten your position or authority. You might choose to move forward with the conversation out of need and principle anyway. And there are some things you can do to secure your status.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I want to have a conversation about the meeting last week where we had that very public disagreement. Before we start, I just want you to know that your respect means a lot to me and while this topic is important to talk about, I really would hate it if you thought less of me because I'm bringing this up."

Working Agreements: 

"Moving forward, how do we make sure we don't put so much at risk and create this misalignment again?"

Autonomy

Belonging

Autonomy

It is completely possible that you will not get your way after the conversation. Your limbic system might be right to worry about your autonomy and creativity being limited by others.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I know we need to talk about the abnormalities in this project and it's a bit scary for me. Before we start, I just wan

It is completely possible that you will not get your way after the conversation. Your limbic system might be right to worry about your autonomy and creativity being limited by others.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I know we need to talk about the abnormalities in this project and it's a bit scary for me. Before we start, I just want you to know that my autonomy is really important to me and I'm grateful for the amount of freedom I have had. I'm afraid that it might be taken away. I'm hoping that we can fix the problem and I can still retain some of that freedom."

Working Agreements: 

"Moving forward, how will we find a balance between autonomy and toeing the line?"

Fairness

Expectations

Autonomy

Fairness is completely subjective. The conversation you need to have with someone may absolutely raise feelings of unfairness in them and even a desire for revenge from them - which would be normal if they feel you are unfair. It is a feeling and a perspective they have; there is no real objective truth in it. But you can certainly consid

Fairness is completely subjective. The conversation you need to have with someone may absolutely raise feelings of unfairness in them and even a desire for revenge from them - which would be normal if they feel you are unfair. It is a feeling and a perspective they have; there is no real objective truth in it. But you can certainly consider their view.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"Before we head into this conversation about bonuses, I just want to say that I've thought this through and I feel I am being fair. I know you not might see it the same way. Would you commit to listening to my whole view before you give your response and then we will talk it through?"

Working Agreements: 

"Moving forward, how can we stay on top of what seems fair to both of us?"

Expectations

Expectations

Expectations

You have hopes and dreams and you have things you dread. It is quite possible that either your hopes and expectations will not be met or that your worst fears will become reality.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I'd really like to have a conversation about our mismatched expectations. Before we do that, I want to let you know that I'

You have hopes and dreams and you have things you dread. It is quite possible that either your hopes and expectations will not be met or that your worst fears will become reality.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I'd really like to have a conversation about our mismatched expectations. Before we do that, I want to let you know that I've put a lot of energy into getting this position - perhaps too much - and I'd just like you to be a little sensitive about that. I've worked really hard for this and I know I might not get what I wanted."

Working Agreements:

"Moving forward, how do we set expectations together and keep on top of how they shift and change?"

Certainty

Expectations

Expectations

It is entirely possible that engaging in a sensitive conversation may lead to some unpredictable results. Your limbic system may be absolutely right that there will be some uncertainty moving forward.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I'd like to have a conversation about what's going to happen next as I suspect there are some big chan

It is entirely possible that engaging in a sensitive conversation may lead to some unpredictable results. Your limbic system may be absolutely right that there will be some uncertainty moving forward.


Metacommunication examples:


Start-up: 

"I'd like to have a conversation about what's going to happen next as I suspect there are some big changes coming. Before you tell me, I'd just like to let you know that uncertainty really rattles me. Anything you can do to create some certainty for me would be really helpful."

Working Agreements: 

"Moving forward, can we check in a little more often so I can get as much of a sense as possible for where we're headed?"

Put it into practice

 Take a moment to jot down the metacommunication you would like to try next time you are heading into a difficult converation. 

Next: Drama triangles

shooksvensen

+47 90 10 56 55

Copyright © 2025 shooksvensen AS - All Rights Reserved.

This website uses cookies.

We use cookies to analyze website traffic and optimize your website experience. By accepting our use of cookies, your data will be aggregated with all other user data.

Accept