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  • More
    • Home
    • 1 DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
    • 2 DEFUSE THE DRAMA
    • 3 ADDRESSING CONFLICTS
    • 4. GIVING & RECEIVING FB
    • 5. APPRECIATION
    • RESOURCES
  • Home
  • 1 DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
  • 2 DEFUSE THE DRAMA
  • 3 ADDRESSING CONFLICTS
  • 4. GIVING & RECEIVING FB
  • 5. APPRECIATION
  • RESOURCES

Neuroscience: Powerful limbic threats

Your brain is trying to keep you safe. It might be fully justified in the warnings it is giving you or it might be basing its worries on assumptions. It does not really matter at this point, the fact is that you find these conversations difficult because of these warning signals and threat responses.


You are invited to experience and explore a strong emotion in order to recognise your reactions and responses and understand how to rewire them. 


Make sure you are in a place where you feel comfortable to engage in this exploration, which might be a little emotional.

Put it into practice

Step 1:

For this exercise, bring to mind an upcoming conversation that evokes a strong feeling of fear. 


Take notes. It will not be shared with anyone else.

Step 2:

What reactions do you get in your body when you think of this conversation?

  • Sweaty palms 
  • Feeling sick 
  • Increased heart rate 
  • Pins and needles or pain 
  • Tightness in throat or chest 
  • Other 

Take notes for yourself

Step 3:

Continue to focus on your difficult conversation. Which of the behaviours below might you be tempted to use to protect yourself? These follow naturally from limbic reactions and usually feel quite satisfying. Please be as honest with yourself as possible. 

Blame others

Stonewall or ignoring others

Being defensive

Blaming or attacking someone’s personality or character. 

Being defensive

Stonewall or ignoring others

Being defensive

Feeling like a victim, wanting to defend your actions or intention with a form of blaming. It’s like saying: “It’s not me, it’s you!” 

Stonewall or ignoring others

Stonewall or ignoring others

Stonewall or ignoring others

Includes withdrawing, cutting off communication, giving someone “the silent treatment”. 

Contempt, sarcasm or disdain

Stonewall or ignoring others

Stonewall or ignoring others

Includes sarcasm, eye rolling, belittling, cynicism, name-calling, hostile humour, disdain and belligerence. 

Where toxic behaviours come from

This sequence of events shows that unhelpful behaviours are often the result of limbic threat reactions. These are toxic behaviours, or 'toxins'. So what is really going on to trigger toxins?


The brain feels safer when we are right and good; it also likes to judge and get revenge. So we become defensive to avoid being at fault, we blame others for being wrong. We use contempt to justify our superiority and we stonewall to prove our personal power or to get some revenge through silence.


Throughout this section, keep noticing how toxins may be showing up in you - they may shift and change as you keep considering your difficult conversation.

Next: Defuse powerful reactions

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